I'm not crazy, but everyone else is

I have reached my limit for crazy people. I thought i had done so on Monday, when i wrote the following in my notebook:

Five bus rides within two and a half hours and a visit to a downtown drugstore is the maximum amount of contact with unwashed, hacking humanity i can take. Tubercular coughs, pull-along shopping trolleys filled with soiled belongings, spilled coffee, the mixed aromas of cigarette smoke and fecal matter, crusty scabs on faces, and swollen hands clutching bus transfers combine to make me wish i did not ride the bus so often.

Today, however, i went to Starbucks in my neighborhood. I scored a spot in a comfy chair, drank a cup of tea, and began working on some knitting. A man came and sat down in the other chair next to me, which i normally don't mind, and we exchanged a few words (he contributed more than i did, and he had a tendency toward non sequiturs). Soon, he was reading the newspaper (mumbling to himself occasionally), and i was focusing on my knitting in relative peace.

Until.

He declared that he thought he had broken something. I thought he said his foot, but it turned out he meant a toenail, this becoming clear when he removed his shoe and sock and began picking at his gnarly toes. I glanced over at the naked foot; it was repulsive. His toenails were longer than anyone who is not mentally ill would keep them, and they were dirty, possibly fungal. As he dug through his coat pockets looking for some implement with which he could relieve himself of whatever trouble his toe was causing, he came across a stuffed animal. A lemur, in fact.

The man drew my attention to the lemur and said he was selling them for $1 each. This i found to be simultaneously incredible (in the literal sense of the word) and uninteresting. He then offered me the one in his hand for free, noting that if you put them on top of a speaker they will eventually fall off due to the vibrations. I don't know if this was part of his sales pitch, but i do know it did not work. I declined his offer, despite his assurances that the lemur could be mine 'no strings attached'.

At this point, i decided the naked foot had been exposed for as long as i could stand, and i said, 'Do you think you could take care of all this in the bathroom?' His response: 'I'm almost done.' I made a move to pack up my things and leave, and he protested that he would put his sock and shoe back on, and he would go. I suppose my disapproval combined with my refusal of his generous lemur offer gave offense. While angrily replacing his sock and shoe, he informed me that i was too sensitive and if i had ever been homeless i would understand what it was like. This was the only time it occurred to me he might be homeless; he was dressed, if not well, then fairly cleanly, and he was carrying nothing but his cup of coffee.

After standing up, he said, 'In case you think i'm a bum, this jacket cost $1700.'

-- 'I don't see why you would care what i think, but in that case you should know better than to take off your shoes and socks in a restaurant.'

-- 'There's nothing wrong with that.'

-- 'It's at least a health code violation, sir.'

-- 'You didn't have to be so nasty.'

-- 'I wasn't nasty.'

-- 'Yes, you were. Enjoy the rest of your life, which will probably be spent alone.'

With that he left, and i sat for a moment, disturbed.

All i wanted was a cup of tea. On the way home i bought two bottles of wine.

Comments

[raincoaster]

Oh. My. God. I'd have taken the lemur. And then had him arrested.

[Janice]

Was the wine to start your downward spiral? :-)
Janice

[Helena]

I've been sort of playing with the thought of maybe someday wanting to live in the USA for a while.

But after reading your posts about weird people in buses and coffee shops(!) I'm now starting to think I might isolate myself from everyone else pretty quickly, and I hear that's not a good idea if you want to have some sort of a social life.

[Judith]

rain,
I was glad to see that this shocked even you; that makes me feel better :)

Mum,
Yes

Helena,
I just have bad luck, and i'm willing to complain about it on my blog. My favorite is still Rose Renee Cristal.

[Judith]

Ha! I just noticed the Google ads on this post:

I especially like "Crazy Shoe"

[Helena]

I got basically the same ads, but instead of "crazy shoe" I got "crocs shoes". I don't think they could do any worse than that.

[Shawn]

I think you must be a karmic magnet for bat-shit crazy.
It's a gift.

[Judith]

Doesn't that reflect badly on you (and the rest of my friends)? :D

[Andy]

It might reflect your karmic value upon her, but it's Shawn. So likely she's Moksha and just performing according to her Dharma in attemping to lead you aright.